I know what you’re thinking. The title may lead you to believe that this post is about the eye-watering stench coming from my sons’ toxic-waste-filled diapers…most likely Logan’s. Well, you would be wrong.
I now pose this question…in run-on-sentence form.
What do you do when your son, who has just finished lunch, poops while still in his booster seat and starts crying while he’s pooping like it’s hurting him and when he’s done he just starts screaming at the top of his lungs like someone has set fire to his diaper and he doesn’t stop when you pick him up out of his seat and you know that changing his diaper and ridding him of the nastiness in within said diaper will take the fiery pain away but because he has Reflux Disease he can’t lie down for at least 15-20 minutes after he finishes eating and he just finished eating and you don’t dare change him while standing up because, while you have done it before, it’s not the sort of thing you do when his diaper is loaded with danger and you just want to take the pain away and get him calmed down before his screaming kicks his reflux into high gear???
[phew…takes deep breathe]
I’ll tell you what you do…you make a huge ass of yourself. You prance around like an idiot. You do somersaults, even though there isn’t much floor space and you haven’t done one in years and you know the chances of hurting yourself are pretty good. You make goofy faces and noises. You jump around, scratching your armpits and making “oo! oo! oo! ah! ah! ah!” sounds, pretending to be a monkey. You make up silly songs using your son’s name and sing them at the top of your lungs. You sprint back and forth in front of the ottoman your son is standing at as fast as you can. You perform your own rendition of the Pee-Pee Dance. You play your bald head like a drum using your hands, performing such favourites as “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” and “Hickory Dickory Dock”. You run yourself to exhaustion acting like a massive tool, all to buy yourself 15 minutes of distraction for your son…just enough time for him to start digesting what’s in his tummy so you can safely change his diaper.
Then you look out your living room picture window to see a man standing on the roof of the school your house backs onto….looking at you…huge grin on his face…and you realize…..aw crap! Did he see the whole thing???
At least I got Logan to turn his screams into laughter until I could change his diaper. All was well as soon as he had a clean, dry bum. I, on the other hand, need a nap!
Note To Self: Close the curtains when any maintenance is being done on the school roof!