mommies don’t have penises

bedtime for the boys started out pretty normal tonight. diapers changed, pajamas on, and teeth brushed, we went into Logan’s room to put him to bed first. as usual, Zander helped us sing “rock-a-bye Logan”, and then yelled “bounce!” as daddy plopped Logan in the crib. i said “sweet dreams, sleep well, see you in the morning!”, blew kisses from the doorway, and closed his door. then it was off to Zander’s room.

that’s when the bedtime routine too a sharp left.

i was giving Zander the usual hugs and kisses before putting him to bed when he looked me in the eye with a quizzical look

Zander: mommy…do you have a penis?

my jaw dropped to the floor. i looked towards Carlos to see his jaw was right down there with mine.

me: [stiffleing a giggle] no, i don’t have a penis. only boys have penises.

Zander: does daddy have a penis?

daddy: [grinning mischievously] yup…daddy has a big penis.

Zander: does mommy have a big penis?

me: no…mommies don’t have penises. only boys have a penis. you have a penis, Logan has a penis and daddy has a penis. but girls don’t have penises. they have vaginas.

Zander: [very serious about learning the truth] oh.

where that came from, i have no idea. what i can tell you is that i was so not expecting that.

seriously…where do they get this stuff?

Haiku Friday: pms payback

i was so lucky
no pms to speak of
never had a cramp

been told no mood swings
no bloating or discomfort
but it wouldn’t last

come back to bite me
with these head-splitting migraines
payback, you’re a bitch!

is was so lucky, and i took it for granted. and oh, am i paying for it now!

i went through high school never having been bothered by my period…other than the inconvenience of the bulky pads available in the late 80’s. mind you, every once in a while i would feel a little nauseated on the first day, but that’s it. and this continued through my 20s and early 30s. okay…i can here you yelling nasty names at me….just get it out of your system now so i can proceed with my pity party story.

i’ve been told that i don’t have mood swings during that time of the month. hubby even asked me after we’d been living together for about a year if i would plot my cycles on the calendar so he would know when i was having it because he couldn’t tell…just so he would know when it was appropriate to try and put the moves on me.

when i was late in my pregnancy with Zander, i asked my doctor what contractions would feel like when they started. she told me they would feel like period cramps. i told her i’d never had any. by the look on her face, she thought i was lying. seriously people…never. one. cramp.

well, i’m now paying for all those carefree years. about 7 months ago i started getting migraines with my cycle. they start either the day before or on the first day of my period. they last anywhere from 2-4 days. and they are excruciating. i’m talking jam-something-sharp-through-my-eye-socket-and-into-my-brain-and-then-wiggle-it
around-in-there kind of pain.

during these migraines, i can hardly take care of the boys, let alone myself. i never knew how noisy they were until each little sound felt like a cleaver cutting into my skull. or how much light the curtains in the living room still let through when they’re closed. or how many toys we have that make all types of seizure inducing noise. or how fucking bright this laptop monitor is!

this whole thing has forced me to not make plans anywhere near my expected monthly. unfortunately, my crystal ball isn’t always clear.

as some of you know, i am a big time paper-crafter and card-maker, and am a Stampin’ Up! demonstrator to make a little cash to support my hobby. in recent months, i have lost my passion. i’m trying to get it back, because when i’m doing it i am so happy. damn ppd.

anyhoo, a few months ago i signed up to attend a convention in Ottawa for Canadian demonstrators. i’ve been so excited about it…until last week when i realized it landed at the start of my cycle. the convention is tomorrow. sure enough, my period started yesterday…and so did my migraine. i’ve been trying to complete some cards for a swap i’m going to be participating in tomorrow, while my head is threatening to split in half and my eyeballs feel like they are liquifying.

this is the second day of my migraine, and i’m praying that i will wake up tomorrow and it will be gone. but i’m not holding out too much hope.

oh payback…you are a cold-hearted bitch!

mr. contrary

did you ever read those mr. men and little miss books when you were younger? you know the ones…Little Miss Sunshine, Mr. Fussy, etc., written by British author Roger Hargreaves. i did. i loved them.

well, i have an idea for a book to add to the collection. i would name it “mr. contrary”, and it would be inspired by someone very close to my heart. ( i won’t name names…Zander!)

here’s how my story would go.

once upon a time there was a little boy named Zander mr. contrary. he always had to do the opposite of everyone else, say the opposite of everyone else, or just plain disagree with everyone for the sake of disagreeing.

one day, Zander mr. contrary was playing with his mommy. mommy asked “do you want to build a tower with lego blocks?”. Zander mr. contrary said “no, i don’t want to play with lego blocks!”, so his mommy said “okay.”. then Zander mr. contrary whined said “but i wanna build a tower with lego blocks!!!”. his mommy rolled her eyes said “great! lets start building!”.

after lunch when his mommy was putting Zander mr. contrary down for his nap, she said ” i love you!”. Zander mr. contrary said “i don’t want to love mommy”. but when she was leaving the room, he yelled “i love you too!” just as she was closing the door.

later that day, Zander mr. contrary was in the kitchen while his mommy and daddy were washing and chopping veggies for a salad for dinner. his mommy asked “do you want to stand on a chair and watch?”, but he said “no”. as his mommy and daddy went about their dinner-making business Zander mr. contrary started crying. his daddy ask “what’s wrong?”, and Zander mr. contrary whimpered “i want to stand on a chair and watch!”. so his mommy and daddy stiffled a laugh ran right over to get a chair for Zander mr. contrary to stand on.

at the dinner table, his daddy asked him “do you want some chicken?”, and Zander mr. contrary said “i don’t like chicken!”, so his daddy put the fork loaded with chicken back down on the plate. then Zander mr. contrary cried said “but i want some chicken!!!”. his daddy sighed in exasperation picked up the fork, said “okay…here comes some chicken!”, and fed him some chicken.

and this continued until Zander mr. contrary slowly drove his mommy and daddy insane.

the end.

okay, so it’s not totally appropriate for children…and i need to work on the ending a bit. but it’s only a first draft…i’m sure it will be a wonderfully endearing story by the time i’m done…if i haven’t lost all my marbles by then.

Haiku Friday: the magic of corn

the magic of corn
such a strange phenomenon
such a small veggie

no matter how much
we chew chew chew when we eat
it reappears whole

sorry if that’s tmi, but seriously…whaddup with that???

the other day we had corn with our dinner. the next morning i was changing Logan’s diaper on the floor in the living room. as is more often than not, his diaper was loaded with danger full of poop. and there it was…the tell-tale sign of the previous night’s dinner…completely reassembled as if never ingested.

that’s when Zander walked up and asked if Logan had pooped. (yes…he wants to see his brother’s poop all the time, as well has his own…that’s a weird post for another day!) he stood there staring at it as if Logan had been hiding a green, three-headed alien in his diaper.

then he raised his head, his big, blue eyes wide with wonder, and asked “mommy…why does Logan have corn in his diaper?”.

what do you say? how do you explain to a three year old that, for some unknown reason, corn has the magical ability to make it past your chompers and through your entire digestive system with barely a scratch, and then mystically reassemble itself upon its exit? how?

i told him “when we eat food, it goes down to our tummy, and then comes out as poop. so there’s corn in Logan’s diaper because we ate it for dinner last night, and he pooped it out.”. he looked at me like i had finally lost it. kid…i lost it a long time ago…

so i thought about it…how do i explain this to him in terms that he will understand. EUREKA! Zander is addicted to a Canadian show called Mighty Machines. it’s a cute show with footage of trucks, boats, what-have-you that have annoying-as-hell cute little voices explaining what they do. his current favourite is the one about recycling with the crusher, the compactor, etc.

i put on my best straight face and said “well, when you eat food, it goes down your throat like a conveyor belt to your tummy. your tummy is like a compactor and smooshes all the food up, and then it comes out as poop.” (note that i decided to skip the whole intestinal tract/bowl thing…i mean, he’s three!)

his face brightened as he said “oh..ya!”.

so now if you ask him where poop comes from, he will happily tell you a colourful story full of machinery and gadgets.

unfortunately, he never got his answer as to why whole corn was in Logan’s diaper. as soon as i learn the secret behind the magic of corn, i’ll let him know.

Pink Eye waiting to happen

i swear, Logan is a wobbly-walking accident waiting to happen. sometimes hubby and i wonder how he survives the day. i know toddlers tend to have no fear…but he not only has not one teensy-tiny bit of fear, he laughs at fear…and common sense. he goes head first into everything…even if it’s a pile of pointy wooden blocks. doesn’t matter.

he takes the same no-fear, no-forethought attitude to every aspect of his day. whether it’s meal time, bath time or time for a diaper change. it’s the latter that we are currently battling.

lately, Logan has taken a liking to shoving both his hands down the back of his diaper. he’ll walk around the house like that. he’ll stand with his pudgy little hands crammed down his diaper while watching TV (not that my kids watch much TV at all…i swear!). he’ll sit on the floor and play with one hand while having the other hand stuck between his cheeks. and then he’ll rub his eyes. lovely.

the other day i was sitting on the couch talking to my mom on the phone while the boys were happily playing. Logan came up to me and started rubbing his hand on my pant leg. i look down to see his hand covered in poop. which meant that my pants were covered in poop. and his shirt. and his pants. and his back. and both hands. it was even in his belly button. (still trying to figure that one out since there wasn’t any poop anywhere else on his belly.) he had put his hands down the back of his diaper at a most unfortunate time, and made a party of it. again, oh-so-lovely.

then there’s the actual act of changing his diaper. if he’s pooped, you can guarantee that he will try to get his hands on it. and then, inevitably, he will stick his fingers in his eyes.

it’s like a compulsion. his hands must be dirty, covered in filth-muck before he can rub his eyes. it’s the same at dinner…he’ll wait till his hands are covered in bits of corn or pasta sauce before rubbing his eyes. but as much of a pain in the ass it is to decrust his eyes after each meal, what we’re really worried about is the dreaded Conjunctivitis.

Zander had Pink Eye when he was a baby, but we didn’t have to worry about another child. but now….it’s so contagious, and with both boys running around touching each other’s faces, Zander wiping tears from Logan’s face when he’s crying, etc., it would just be a matter of time before they both had it. i can see it now…my boys looking up at me with those gorgeous, big blue eyes….surrounded by whites that have turned an angry pink. joy.

i guess we just have to face facts. Logan is a ticking time bomb…for Pink Eye, among many, many other things. welcome to the monkey house.

a break in the silence

i’ve been sitting here trying to catch up on my blog reading, when really i should be in bed getting some much needed shut-eye. priorities, people!

the thing is, it’s easier to read my favourite blogs when all is quiet and there are no little guys interrupting me ever 2 seconds…”mommy? mom? mum? mummy? MOMMY?”…ya, you know how it goes.

anyway, all is quiet in the house when i hear a familiar rumbling. and this familiar rumbling, that is coming from the monitor, makes me smile.

this break in the silence? it’s Logan tooting. actually, i can’t really call it something cute like “tooting”…he sounds like a 300 hundred pound trucker letting one fly! he’s a farter…a farting toddler. Zander toots…Logan farts.

this happens almost every night…and it always makes me smile. ’cause he’s my farting toddler….my Logie.

what dat noise?

Zander’s latest ism is to ask “what dat noise?” everytime he hears the tiniest of sounds….when the dishwasher comes on….when Logan coughs….when the floor creaks….when the tires of our car drive through water….when my joints make those nasty cracking sounds….everytime there is a sound of any kind, he asks this same question. over and over. all. day. long.

don’t get me wrong. though it can be irritating at times, it is yet another one of those Zanderisms that makes him the funny little boy i love so much.

the other night we were getting the boys out of the bath and ready for bed. i had taken Logan into his room to get him moisturized and in his pajamas. Carlos was still drying Zander off in the bathroom…i could hear them chatting in there. all of a sudden i heard a familiar sound.

Zander: [inquiring rather loudly] what dat noise?!?

Carlos: [through tearful laughter] daddy tooted.

Zander: yup!
comic relief is always welcome here in the monkey house.

Haiku Friday: the curse of the right-hand thumb

i’ve been gone for days
not even one word written
no posts to be seen

reared its ugly head
the curse of the right-hand thumb
pain and discomfort

ya….remember when i was painting my backsplash tiles and kitchen cupboards and my right-hand thumb got poisoned by B.I.N. primer? well, the curse is back. i tore the ligaments in my right-hand thumb…right about the time i stopped posting. joy.

now, these two incidents may not seem enough to officially term this a curse. however (and unfortunately), i have torn the ligaments in this very same thumb before. years ago, when i was in college, i caused the same injury to the same thumb….get this….opening a friend’s car door. long story made short, it was a foreign jobby that required you to hold the exterior door handle up as you closed the car door for it to remain locked….i jammed my thumb backward, overextending it and tearing the ligaments. i wore a half-cast for two weeks…which made it really easy to take class notes, since i’m right-handed (please note my biting sarcasm).

fortunately this time i only have to wear one of those fancy neoprene splints…still turns changing diapers into an acrobatic exercise, but much easier to live with.

so there…that’s why i’ve been gone. i can hear you laughs from here…that’s okay…i know you’re laughing with me, not at me…..right?

 

they see progress

we went to the Children’s Hospital to meet with Zander’s Occupational Therapist and Psychologist…and it went pretty well.

we brought both boys, since we couldn’t get anyone to watch Logan. we were told to bring their lunches, so that Zander could be observed eating. we made sure to bring his new favourite veggie, corn, to see if he would show them his latest bit of progress.

the adults talked as the boys ate. the OT and Psychologist kept writing notes as they observed. they were impressed with Zander trying corn on his own, and they liked the way he used his knife and fork to eat. they were wowed by Logan, who just shovelled whatever was in front of him into his mouth. it was said that he looks “healthy”…uh…did you mean to say huge???

so…the OT thinks that, with his iron drops starting to help, we are finally on the right path. that’s not to say there isn’t a long, bumpy road ahead of us. but we’re finally heading in the right direction. she is going to be checking in on him to see his progress.

the Psychologist is going to meet with us again in two weeks. Zander is having some anxiety issues that she wants to address, as well as some exaggerated emotional responses. so we are going to meet with her in a big room with a bunch of toys, and talk with her while we watch the boys play together….hmmm…almost sounds like a play-date but without the other kids!

anyway, it’s nice to hear the professionals tell us they see progress. finally.

ea’ peet-za!

since we wanted a quick dinner tonight…a dinner that Zander might actually eat some of (since he has to fast for his upper GI in the morning…dinner is his last meal until lunch tomorrow), we decided to pile the monkeys into the car and go get pizza.

to give you a peek into the World of Zander, here’s a little taste of the lively conversation enjoyed on the way to Little Caesar’s.

Zander: go i’ car! drive fast!

me: yup…we’re going to go in the car and drive fast. we’re going to go get pizza for dinner.

Zander: ya! [pauses] ea’ peet-za!

me: yup…we’re going to eat pizza for dinner.

Zander: ya! [pauses] where va’s house? go a va’s house!

me: no, we’re not going to vavó’s house (translation: vavó is Portuguese for grandma, pronounced va’vaw). we’re going to get pizza.
Zander: ge’ peet-za! hot peet-za!

hubby: ya, we’re going to get some hot pizza for dinner.

Zander: ya! [pauses] bwo a peet-za!

me: you’re going to blow on the pizza? ’cause it’s hot?

Zander: ya! [pauses] no ew!

hubby:, no, pizza isn’t ewy…it’s yummy.

Zander: ya! [pauses] a sea’belt!

hubby: ya, you’re wearing your seatbelt.

Zander: ya! [pauses] i’ ba’ sea’!

me: ya, you’re sitting in the back seat.

Zander: ya! [pauses] a ba’ sea’ boogie!

me: you want me to sing the backseat boogie?

Zander: ya…ya…YA!

me: okay….”doin’ the back…doin’ the back…doin’ the back..back seat boogie! doin’ the back…doin’ the back…doin’ the back..back seat boogie!”

Zander: [smiling and laughing] ya! [long pause] i ha’ idee-ya!

hubby: you have an idea?

Zander: ya ya!

me: what’s your idea?

Zander: [looks at me silently]

me: Zander, what is your idea?

Zander: no! [pauses] ea’ peet-za!

me: yup..we’re going to eat pizza for dinner.

that was the first 2 minutes of the car trip…i would continue recounting this conversation, but there’s a good chance my head might explode…